Well, I was wrong. I thought I'd get in increased dosage of my drug, but I was told that because the first round did was it was suppose to (getting me to ovulate), they won't increase my dosage. The researcher told me, "Why would we give you a higher amount if the amount we gave you worked?" The rational side of my brain knows this makes sense. The illogical side of my brain, the side filled with fear and doubt, had a minor freak out. I began to wonder, "What if it's a fluke? What if my body naturally ovulated and now this round isn't going to work and I just wasted another month of blood tests, ultrasounds, appointments, drugs, and calendar tracking?" I know...that's not very positive, but it is at least honest. I guess only time will tell if it will work or not.
In retrospect, I remember I talked about the movie Rocky in my last post. Well, I kind of had another Rocky moment, but a Rocky II moment. I keep finding out that a lot of women I know are pregnant or very close to delivering and most of them are on baby number 2, 3 or 4. This makes me overjoyed for them. I know they are all good mothers. But on the flip side of things, I feel like Rocky II. If you haven't seen it, let me indulge you.
Rocky II he is re-challenged to a fight with the guy he previously lost to. Because he was so beat up the first time, there would be physical risk to him if he engaged in another fight. His wife (Adrian) does not support him taking this challenge and through the story she gets sick and goes into a coma. Rocky gives up. He sits by her beside waiting for her to awaken. He has no motivation or will to go on. It isn't until she wakes up and gives him her blessing that he gets the fire in his gut to not only fight, but to win.
Ok, now that you are caught up to speed on Rocky II, you may be saying, "What in the world does this have to do with PCOS?" Well, it's like this, I feel like I'm Rocky. I want to take the next fight. But my PCOS(Adrian), sometimes goes into a coma and drains me of my motivation or will to continue. My sadness was so enveloping about the baby situation, I felt like I was waiting by the bedside for something to wake up inside of me. This is the journey though. There is no straight shot in an upward motion, there is no continually downward spiral into sadness, there is no even playing field of stability, it is up and down and in between all the time. It is most definitely the fight of my life. Everytime I have to leave my house 6:30 am in the dark while the winds are whipping and the snow is falling, I feel upset that I have to go to my appointment. When the needle is jabbed into my arm, I feel irritated. When the scale is brought out to weigh me, I feel like I'm being strangled for my last breath. When the ultrasound probe is touching my ovaries from the inside, I feel like I was to disappear into non-existence. When I take the pills, they make me want to go into a deep sleep and when I have to watch the calender and count the days I feel more like an accountant than a potential expectant mother. Every step is a fight.
And another thing, if you are fighting infertility, beware of the "Adrians" around you! What I mean by that is some people are really just out to suck the life out of you because they themselves are miserable. I know someone who every chance they get bring up babies to me. It's like they want to see me fall to pieces. It's not a "passing conversation", it's intentional. It's just like when you try to diet, there's always going to be that person who eats cake in front of you and tells you how good it is. Just try to keep your focus because like I said before, Rocky does end up winning!
So until we meet again my readers, I leave you in peace. I hope those of you who are struggling with PCOS can identify with the emotions and feelings and can glean some good things in an effort to keep fighting for what you want. Like I said, it's not going to be easy. Just keep training the brain for the fight.
Have a good day everyone.
