Hardwired V. Re-Wired

I wish I could write right when the moment strikes, but often times I am at work or in the car when the best thoughts come to me.  I guess I'll just have to do my best to recall what was the feelings and thoughts were of the moments this past Wednesday.


This past Wednesday I left my house at 6:30 am to head to the research study.  I was more than a little surprised to see people standing line line at 7 am, waiting to see the staff. At exactly 7:01 they opened the doors and we all made a dash to write our names on the clip board. I honestly didn't have to wait that long this time and only had to have a blood draw (Thank God!) 


Even though I only had a blood draw, I learn something every time I go to the research center.  Michelle, my researcher, is so informative and over all, very positive.  She's not positive in an annoying way though. Positive people who over hear conversations and don't even know you that make blanketed statements rub me the wrong way. You know the people I am referring to.  The ones who say, "Oh, everything will be ok.  Oh, just use will power.  Just think positive." Ugh..that annoys me to no end. You can be helpful without being annoying, it is possible. Michelle on the other hand, she is just a flat out positive person. She lives optimistically so it doesn't come off fake or as a band aid to your problem. In talking with her, I realized, I might be hard wired to be a little negative, ok...alot negative.  My life experiences have taught me that things don't always go according to plan and that there are always bumps in the road, which makes me look at things from a negative perspective. Even this whole journey, I have felt (and have even posted) the "what ifs" and the "probably nots" because that is what I am use to.  


In talking with Michelle, I started to wonder if I could slowly re-wire my brain? You know, my dad is a bit of a hard tack. He has a good heart, but he is no nonsense in alot of ways. And I think I picked some of that up from him.  But I'm beginning to think that I need to try to re-wire the brain into a more peaceful, positive approach.  


Michelle told me that she's done alot of studies and has found that people who focus on the positive usually have better results all the way around the board in all aspects of life.  Of course, my hardwired brain immediately wanted to shout out, "That's so stupid. Thinking about something positively does not and will not change the outcome. That's just stupid. It is what is and that's all that it is ever going to be." But even though I thought it, I didn't let slip out because as she continued to speak, I continued to listen.  And then I began to wonder, "Positive thinking doesn't mean you have to throw out logic completely, maybe it just means you become happier in the reality in which you are living."  So in that moment, I began to really examine myself, inwardly.  I won't lie and say that the hard wiring of doubt, fear and frustration are not still hard wired into my head and constantly work towards being plugged in, but what if I could temporarily plug in the positive? Hmm...food for thought.  I'm going to try it, obviously not in all aspects of my life or I will short circuit altogether, but maybe one thing at a time for now.  I'm going to try and focus on one positive thing about this possible pregnancy at a time and see if it helps the journey along.  


I hope that any of you reading this might join me and think on one positive thing today too.  And if  you can't think of one positive thing, let me help you. I appreciate you for coming along with me. :) If you are reading this, it means you care and therefore you have something to be positive about. You are  caring person. 


And I can't negate the reality of some of the negatives in my posts because I am chronicling everything (and that includes the bad). I want to give the overall experiences, the good, the bad and the ugly.  But I'll try to remain positive in the brain while posting it all. :) 


Here's my first attempt. Negative: Woke up at 4 am with a migraine, had to pee four times in the middle of the night, hands swelled up so bad that I couldn't make a fist. Positive: It's all going to be worth it when I kiss the top of my babies head for the first time. 


Have a good day everyone. 

Thanksgiving

Ok, so I've received  emails from people who have been logging on to read the blog asking, "What's going on? What's the latest update?"  I haven't wrote anything because I was waiting on, how shall I phrase  it? Lets just say I was waiting on "Aunt Flo" to rear her ugly head before I could post.  And let me just say for the record, forcing a period through Provera has proven to be a "bloody battle", literally. I have extreme ovarian pain and massive bleeding to the point that I had to take a sleeping pill Saturday to escape my pain. And I couldn't proceed with any treatment regimen until my period actually came. 


Well it happened. I took the Provera for the 10 days as prescribed by the research study and four days later, (this past Friday), my period came. I felt so excited to have it, because having it means I am hopefully closer to my goal of getting pregnant. I know that sounds counter productive, but it's not. 


Once I started my cycle, I called the research study and told Michelle, my researcher that I started. She advised me that I am to come in the day before Thanksgiving for my next round of Provera (which I have to take for another 10 days) and then guess what? I get to start my first round of drugs after the fifth day of my next cycle, which will put me at trying to conceive sometime in December. I'm not trying to be negative, but I'm almost positive I won't get pregnant on the first try.  (I've tried Clomid before and it didn't work at a low dose).  I don't know what I will be given, as it is a blind study. The only thing I can be sure of  is that I won't be receiving Placebo (which is a pill that for lack of a better term is a fake out). The researchers don't feel that it would be fair to give one set of people real drugs and the others a fake out. So I'm guaranteed either Clomid or something else that starts with an "L" that I can't remember, but both are ovulatory drugs.  I just won't know what I am receiving as it is a blind study.  The dose will increase each cycle for the next five months until I get pregnant or they terminate me.  Terminate sounds so final doesn't it? I hope I  never have to write a blog explaining that I have been terminated! 


In the meantime, I'm happy. I'm so excited that starting next month I will be in full swing of actually trying to achieve pregnancy.  It's fitting that I will actually begin this true journey the day before Thanksgiving because in essence, I am truly thankful for this opportunity. 

Freaking out a little bit

Ok, I'm honestly freaking out a little bit.  I've been told to take Provera for 10 days and then in the following days after the withdraw, I should have a period.  


In the meantime, my boobs are killing me.  They are so sore that I wish I could take them off and set them on  a shelf somewhere until they stop hurting.  I also have had a huge increase in appetite.  I feel so incredibly hungry that I want to stuff my face like never before.  I'm like a bottomless pit! I've been cramping up and super emotional. I actually cried at work today. And my gosh, maybe this is TMI (too much information) but my need to urinate has been constant.  It's not just the frequency that is bothering me but the intensity of the need.  It almost feels like my bladder is going to burst or that I'm going to pee my pants. It's really horrible. 


I keep wondering "What is wrong with me?" I did a little research to find out why all these things are happening to me and what I found is that regular women who take Provera have certain symptoms or even no symptoms, while women with PCOS experience all the symptoms I listed above. 


I have to go through 5-6 more rounds of this Provera...God help me. This sucks. 

I got shot

Well, the wheels are set in motion. I got a shot today for Rubella.  Now, I have to wait it out and see if I have immunity or if I need a second shot, which will delay me another thirty days beyond the 30 I have to wait starting from today. I crossed my fingers, toes and heart and said a small prayer, "God, please let this shot work so I can start my drug therapy in December." 

I did want to blog a little about my experience in going to actually get my shot, because let's face it, this is a journey.

I had to ask to leave work early so that I could make it to the health clinic in enough time, which means I'll have to cut my lunches short or come in early to work to make up my time.  I hate having to do that, but at least I have the option. And I had to pay $50.00 cash, happy belated birthday to me!

I wish I could've went to my own doctor, but they would have to order the vaccine and that would take too much time. I feel like I'm on a timer need to move quickly. Jeff's mom works for Oakland County and was a huge help. She made phone calls for me and cheered me on along the way. 

The waiting room was thick with people.  I took a number, grabbed a clip board and waited for my turn while watching "Finding Nemo" on the tv in the corner.  I couldn't help but think the whole time I was there, "If I had a kid, I would sit and watch this with him or her."  I thought about all the books I want to buy them and all the things I want to do with them.  It was only when my impatience in waiting broke my concentration.  It seemed like they were calling the numbers out so very slowly!

When I finally got called, the lady at the front desk began to ask me about the vaccinations I had as a child and I had no idea. What's sad is that I cannot even pick up a phone and ask my own mother, "Did you get me this vaccine. Do you remember? Do you know who my childhood doctor was?" I can't do those things because she is absent. So all I can do at this point is hope for the best. And the best would be that I had at least one Rubella shot when I was younger and then I would only need this one shot in order to move forward.  (Fingers still crossed).

And on a side note, I have to be honest. I have been doing HORRIBLE with the no sugar thing. I honestly think I've been eating worse than I ever have in my life. I don't know if it is the stress of worrying about things going on in my life right now or my utter annoyance of having to cut sugar out? At any rate, I think I've ate enough Halloween candy to sink the Titanic.  The only good thing I keep telling myself is, "You still have 30 days before they can even think about giving you the drug so don't worry about it." But on the flip side to that "excuse" is the truth. I need to cut out the sugar and I am totally addicted.  The researcher didn't say that having sugar would kill my chances, she just said that cutting out the sugar would improve my chances.  Which should make me cut out the sugar right?  It's hard people. It's hard.