Saturday, October 29, 2011
Another Delay :(
Well, just when you think you see the finish line, the road bend you still have miles to go. Story of my life it seems.
Jeff went for his tests at the research study and things went well. We have to wait until Monday to see if it's all a go, but in the meantime, the researcher told me that she reviewed my records and I am not immune to Rubella. Apparently, I have to get a vaccine before I can start the research study. Sigh...this makes me very sad. (Another) delay. I cannot begin the drug therapy until 30 days after the vaccine. To those of you reading this, 30 days is probably just a bump in the road, but to me, it just seems like another big obstacle.
I called my doctor's office, my ob/gyn, even my mother in law who works for the county, seeking to find out if any of them could give me the shot. Of course because it was a Friday, almost no-one was in office, except my mother in law. Unfortunately, she cannot give me the shot. She was the only one that was helpful. She found out for me where I can get the shot. I'm so glad to have her to go to when I need help. Talk about having someone in your corner. I couldn't ask for better. I might have to go the Health Clinic. $100.00 out of pocket, another day juggling my schedule with work, and then another 30 days to try and get on an ovulatory drug.
I just feel like time is slipping away from me. I know with certainty that the drugs aren't going to work on the first round. IVF already told me they wouldn't give me ovulatory drugs because they would have to give me such a high dose. So in essence, it probably won't happen until the end of the study, if it even happens at all. And if I'm delayed another month, this puts me in the 6th month category of time going by. That's half a year people. I just turned 38 and I cannot even explain the anxiety and nerves that are coursing through my body. I will definitely be 39 by the time I have a baby, if I conceive. This means, I will probably only get to have one child. I use to dream of having 2 or 3 kids, but it looks like that dream is fading with each passing moment. One stalled effort after another.
Sorry to seem so negative, perhaps it's because I woke up with a migraine and I feel frustrated by the news. That's another thing that bugs me about this PCOS junk. I get constant migraines. I know my period is trying to start (aching breasts, bloating, fatigue, nausea, and oh yes...blinding...wake you out of a full on sleep on a Saturday morning at 6am headaches.) I took two Excedrin Migraine formula this morning for breakfast. Lovely. I feel totally sick! Not flu/cold sick, but headache/throw up sick.
On a positive note, I do get to start the Provera today so I can start my period. I'm very scared to take it because I am afraid my period won't stop once it comes, but I can't wait any longer. I'm going on 3 months now without a period. It's time to get it so the uterine lining does not build up again.
This morning I am going to take a pregnancy test, just to make sure that I'm not pregnant before I start the Provera and then I get to begin the fun of my period, but without the ovulatory drug and the impending doom of a SHOT! Blah.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Records Received, Appointment Friday
Ok, so believe it or not, I got my medical records. Finally! After a month of struggling with the doctor's office they finally provided me with my record. I am so happy that I will never have to go that office again. In the elevator up to the office, my heart was pounding because all the bad memories of that place came flooding back, upon entering the building. Sigh of relief...I never have to go back!
Funny thing though, I read over my records and they listed me as a "nurse" in one record, stating that I had to have the HSG test done at the hospital while have my uterus repaired because I was a "nurse who refused to have things done in radiology due to my job." Um... last time I checked, my paycheck didn't reflect the salary of a nurse! Idiots, that's all I can say about that. They also listed me as, "crying and emotional." Oh, ok. Bleed for 45 days straight, have surgery, go on drugs and be told that you can't have a baby unless you can come up with 10K and lets see if you get "emotional and/or cry."
Tomorrow is a super important day. Jeff is going to the research study for his portion of the test. He has to get "checked out" and if all his equipment works, we are good to go. He is going with my records in hand and I'm hoping that I will get the call on Friday or Monday to start provera to get my period. Once I get my period, I can start the first round of drugs to try and get pregnant. I'm pretty sure the first round is not going to work. I'm assuming that if this drug is going to work, I'll probably need the highest dose possible since I never ovulate. Which long story long means, I probably won't get pregnant until February or March (if at all). But if they start my drugs in November, my last round of drugs I'll be able to get is in March. So one way or another, I will find out if I am going to be a mom in the next five months. Woe...
Lastly, if you'd like to leave a comment, I welcome you to. And I'd really like your feedback as to whether or not you like the Fox link and the PCOS links in red at the bottom?
Funny thing though, I read over my records and they listed me as a "nurse" in one record, stating that I had to have the HSG test done at the hospital while have my uterus repaired because I was a "nurse who refused to have things done in radiology due to my job." Um... last time I checked, my paycheck didn't reflect the salary of a nurse! Idiots, that's all I can say about that. They also listed me as, "crying and emotional." Oh, ok. Bleed for 45 days straight, have surgery, go on drugs and be told that you can't have a baby unless you can come up with 10K and lets see if you get "emotional and/or cry."
Tomorrow is a super important day. Jeff is going to the research study for his portion of the test. He has to get "checked out" and if all his equipment works, we are good to go. He is going with my records in hand and I'm hoping that I will get the call on Friday or Monday to start provera to get my period. Once I get my period, I can start the first round of drugs to try and get pregnant. I'm pretty sure the first round is not going to work. I'm assuming that if this drug is going to work, I'll probably need the highest dose possible since I never ovulate. Which long story long means, I probably won't get pregnant until February or March (if at all). But if they start my drugs in November, my last round of drugs I'll be able to get is in March. So one way or another, I will find out if I am going to be a mom in the next five months. Woe...
Lastly, if you'd like to leave a comment, I welcome you to. And I'd really like your feedback as to whether or not you like the Fox link and the PCOS links in red at the bottom?
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
The Importance of Getting Your Medical Records
For anyone reading this, I can't stress enough how important it is for you to get your medical records if you are going to undergo any kind of treatment. I don't care if it was a pap smear, blood tests, HSG, D&C, etc... you should always get your records.
There are many issues/problems with your new doctor requesting your records, versus you picking up your records yourself. In my own situation, my new doctor requested my records from my old doctor and my old doctor stated that they didn't "receive the request" three times in a row. I had to spend endless hours on the phone calling my new doctor to see what number they had and then call my old doctor to see if they got the fax request etc... It was a vicious cycle. Then once they received my request, they said they couldn't process my request until the doctor gave the ok. Then I had to call back again and they said the doctor was at a conference out of town and they couldn't locate my records. Long story short, I told them I would be driving there tomorrow to pick them up. Let's see what excuses they give me face to face. Don't make yourself go through this hassle. It's easier for you to get them yourself right from the beginning...yourself!
For starters, you have the most rights to your records. There are actually laws under HIPPA in the State of Michigan that state you have a right to your records within 30 days of your request. If your doctor's office won't comply, they have to give you a written explanation with why they haven't sent them to you and when you can be expecting them. If your doctor's office won't comply, you can report them to the Office for Civil Rights or the Department of Health and Human Services. (Hopefully you won't have to take it that far, but you do have the option if necessary).
I wish I had someone to tell me what I am telling you now, "GET YOUR RECORDS YOURSELF!" In this research study I'm taking place in, they can't proceed until I get my records. My whole life is on hold because of one doctor's office. I might have to have very painful tests redone if I can't get my records. Sigh...so the fight begins tomorrow (and on my lunch hour I might add). Another day of rushing and stressing. I'm wondering if PCOS should stand for "Partially Crazy Over Stress" ? LOL
I'll keep you posted as to what happened and whether or not I got the much needed records.
There are many issues/problems with your new doctor requesting your records, versus you picking up your records yourself. In my own situation, my new doctor requested my records from my old doctor and my old doctor stated that they didn't "receive the request" three times in a row. I had to spend endless hours on the phone calling my new doctor to see what number they had and then call my old doctor to see if they got the fax request etc... It was a vicious cycle. Then once they received my request, they said they couldn't process my request until the doctor gave the ok. Then I had to call back again and they said the doctor was at a conference out of town and they couldn't locate my records. Long story short, I told them I would be driving there tomorrow to pick them up. Let's see what excuses they give me face to face. Don't make yourself go through this hassle. It's easier for you to get them yourself right from the beginning...yourself!
For starters, you have the most rights to your records. There are actually laws under HIPPA in the State of Michigan that state you have a right to your records within 30 days of your request. If your doctor's office won't comply, they have to give you a written explanation with why they haven't sent them to you and when you can be expecting them. If your doctor's office won't comply, you can report them to the Office for Civil Rights or the Department of Health and Human Services. (Hopefully you won't have to take it that far, but you do have the option if necessary).
I wish I had someone to tell me what I am telling you now, "GET YOUR RECORDS YOURSELF!" In this research study I'm taking place in, they can't proceed until I get my records. My whole life is on hold because of one doctor's office. I might have to have very painful tests redone if I can't get my records. Sigh...so the fight begins tomorrow (and on my lunch hour I might add). Another day of rushing and stressing. I'm wondering if PCOS should stand for "Partially Crazy Over Stress" ? LOL
I'll keep you posted as to what happened and whether or not I got the much needed records.
At the "Root" of the problem is a "Crab Apple"
So today is the day I start this whole fruit and veggie diet. Sigh...I'm feeling very crabby. I can't "get my head in the game" so to speak.
To be completely honest, because I knew I was going to be starting this diet, I went on a bender! At work people celebrated my birthday with bagels, cupcakes, candy, etc... and I pounded it all down with fervor. I even hit up McDonald's for dinner and sucked down the fries like a vacuum was attached to my face. I felt like an inmate on death row, who had to savour his last meal before execution. Sounds extreme right? Well, unless you suffer from sugar addiction, you wouldn't know. Bob Greene (Oprah's former trainer) once said on a radio station I was listening to, "It's harder for a person to maintain a diet and quit certain foods than it is for heroine addicts to quit heroine." Something resonated with me regarding that statement. It's true though when you think about it. You (HAVE) to eat to live, you don't (HAVE) to do drugs to live. So the moment you put food in your mouth (good or bad) it triggers all kinds of urges for other foods. Drugs you can quit cold turkey and you never have to have them again. Just food for thought people. If you are struggling, don't let anyone bully you into the whole "It's just will power" attitude. It's not will power. It's war on the floor! It's a battle every day. To trivialize it is just outrageous to me. And I know I'm going on a rant here, but I also don't appreciate the whole, "Just exercise more" philosophy. My answer to that philosophy is, "Go get yourself some PCOS, live in my life, with my body and then you can tell me how to eat and live." I'm not directing this at any one person, I'm just saying this out loud for all people who think it's so easy. It's not.
Yesterday I finally did the grocery shopping for all my low sugar diet foods and my basket was filled vegetables, whole grains, cheeses, some apples and a mango. I felt frustrated and depressed as I walked through the store. I seriously feel like I'm being punished. It should be such a little thing to change my diet and I should do it with joy, but inside I just feel annoyed.
So many things keep rolling through my head like, "What if I try this and it doesn't work? What if my chemistry stays the same? What if I still don't ovulate? What if I actually do get pregnant and I miscarry?" I'm 38 and I have (never) been pregnant. There are just so many "what ifs".
I'm going to sign off now, go take a shower and then begin my veggie prep. For anyone reading this, maybe internally wish me luck. I'm feeling rough. And for anyone else trying to change their life too, I wish you the best. I know it's tough.
To be completely honest, because I knew I was going to be starting this diet, I went on a bender! At work people celebrated my birthday with bagels, cupcakes, candy, etc... and I pounded it all down with fervor. I even hit up McDonald's for dinner and sucked down the fries like a vacuum was attached to my face. I felt like an inmate on death row, who had to savour his last meal before execution. Sounds extreme right? Well, unless you suffer from sugar addiction, you wouldn't know. Bob Greene (Oprah's former trainer) once said on a radio station I was listening to, "It's harder for a person to maintain a diet and quit certain foods than it is for heroine addicts to quit heroine." Something resonated with me regarding that statement. It's true though when you think about it. You (HAVE) to eat to live, you don't (HAVE) to do drugs to live. So the moment you put food in your mouth (good or bad) it triggers all kinds of urges for other foods. Drugs you can quit cold turkey and you never have to have them again. Just food for thought people. If you are struggling, don't let anyone bully you into the whole "It's just will power" attitude. It's not will power. It's war on the floor! It's a battle every day. To trivialize it is just outrageous to me. And I know I'm going on a rant here, but I also don't appreciate the whole, "Just exercise more" philosophy. My answer to that philosophy is, "Go get yourself some PCOS, live in my life, with my body and then you can tell me how to eat and live." I'm not directing this at any one person, I'm just saying this out loud for all people who think it's so easy. It's not.
Yesterday I finally did the grocery shopping for all my low sugar diet foods and my basket was filled vegetables, whole grains, cheeses, some apples and a mango. I felt frustrated and depressed as I walked through the store. I seriously feel like I'm being punished. It should be such a little thing to change my diet and I should do it with joy, but inside I just feel annoyed.
So many things keep rolling through my head like, "What if I try this and it doesn't work? What if my chemistry stays the same? What if I still don't ovulate? What if I actually do get pregnant and I miscarry?" I'm 38 and I have (never) been pregnant. There are just so many "what ifs".
I'm going to sign off now, go take a shower and then begin my veggie prep. For anyone reading this, maybe internally wish me luck. I'm feeling rough. And for anyone else trying to change their life too, I wish you the best. I know it's tough.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Appointment #2-The Physical
When I got accepted for the PCOS study from the university, I felt enthusiastic. Today however, I felt a range of emotions that mostly were not good.
I went into work early this morning because when you take time off to go to doctor's appointments, you usually need to take a PTO (Paid Time Off) day or make up your time. The problem with taking a PTO day is that you get so very few to begin with and once you exhaust them, you are pretty much out of luck should anything come up for the rest of the year (sickness, vacation, etc...)
Fasting since last night, I woke up grumpy as all get out. I endured the taste of bad breath in my mouth that always accompanies fasting, sipped water with feelings of nausea and wrestled with dizziness. At 10:15 I punched out and weaved my way in and out of traffic.
I had an odd sensation as I drove 12 Mile toward the doctor's office. I passed the place where I won tickets from a radio event, that led me to meeting my husband. I passed the place we went our first date and I passed the place where I use to work. Never did I dream in my single days of working at that job, or in the new phases of love when I first met Jeff, that I would only a couple years later be traveling the same road, but with a new destination. Everything has changed. I'm no longer at that job, I am now married and am committed to five months of intense physical, emotional and mental intensity to have a baby.
When I reached the doctor's office I had to pee like crazy! (They tell you to drink tons of water to hydrate the veins) before you go in. I thought that because I was part of the study I would go in right away, but the waiting room outside the doctor's office was filled with people. I sat waiting, filled to the gills and antsy. I kept a close eye on the clock, constantly calculating, "If they get me in by 'this time', then I can get back to the office by 'that time' and then I will have to make up, 'this amount of time'." The calculations started to make my b/p go up.
When my name was called, I went back and had about 8 tubes of blood taken. I asked not to be bandaged, but I got bandaged anyway. (Later that tape would leave a sticky welt like mark on my arm...lovely).
After the draining of the vein, I went back into a freezing cold room where I finally got to pee! Next, they measured the oil in my face with a machine, measured my waist and hips, and weighed me. From joy to joy they say. lol
The next part was the hardest for me. I had to have a transvaginal ultra sound today. I took off my clothes, neatly folded them, and took a deep breath as I stepped into a large examining room. As I sat onto the table I looked up and saw huge lights, like the ones I had seen at IVF. I knew was was coming next, the "wand" as I call it. I'm not a fan of the wand. It's long and lets just say, it's designed to invade your "personal space."
As I talked with the researcher, who is absolutely one of the nicest people ever, the doctor came in. He shook my hand and then told me to lay back. As he did the breast exam all I could feel was...uncomfortable. I know all women go through these, so I'm not saying it was a big deal, but you know the drill.
As he began to examine my ovaries, he said, "You are about to feel alot of pressure." My only response was "YUP!" I felt like I was saying that to not only the physical pressure I was about to experience but how I felt on the inside, my emotions. This whole experience is pressure.
I tried to close my eyes and get into a "happy place." I tried to think of a peaceful place that I've enjoyed for many years, but no matter how hard I tried to visualize it, that wand kept creeping deeper and I felt cramping. My eyes began to fill with tears but I refused to let them fall. It wasn't the cramping that was going to make me cry, it was emotional pain. It was the questions and feelings of, "Why do I have to go through this? Why do I have to be poked, prodded and measured? Why can't I just lay down with my husband and in love conceive? I began feeling frustrated, sad and angry.
By the time the exam was over, the researcher gave me a bag of pills and told me that she would call me when it was ok to take them. Unfortunately, I can't take them until Jeff gets tested and my IVF doctor releases my records. That former doctor I had continues to be a thorn in my side. I will definitely blog separately on how important it is for you to keep your own records. Always ask for copies! If I can't get these records in time, it is going to cause a landslide of problems. I'll have to get (another) HSG test. Let me just say this in advance, I'm NOT going to have another one. I will camp out at the doctor's office before I subject my body to that again. HSG is where they inject dye through your tubes, for those who don't know. They say it's mild to moderate pain. I say it's un-natural and NOT FUN.
Making my away out of the doctor's office I began to realize how hungry I was and raced back to grab lunch and get to work at a reasonable time. After staying late I made my way home. My arm is sore, my ovaries are sore and my emotions are sore. All I can think is, "Is this going to work?" The snow is coming soon. The diet is coming soon. The pills and periods are coming soon. Will this all be in vein or will my little baby be reading this one day saying, "Wow mom, you really loved me enough to want me to be here before you even knew me.
I went into work early this morning because when you take time off to go to doctor's appointments, you usually need to take a PTO (Paid Time Off) day or make up your time. The problem with taking a PTO day is that you get so very few to begin with and once you exhaust them, you are pretty much out of luck should anything come up for the rest of the year (sickness, vacation, etc...)
Fasting since last night, I woke up grumpy as all get out. I endured the taste of bad breath in my mouth that always accompanies fasting, sipped water with feelings of nausea and wrestled with dizziness. At 10:15 I punched out and weaved my way in and out of traffic.
I had an odd sensation as I drove 12 Mile toward the doctor's office. I passed the place where I won tickets from a radio event, that led me to meeting my husband. I passed the place we went our first date and I passed the place where I use to work. Never did I dream in my single days of working at that job, or in the new phases of love when I first met Jeff, that I would only a couple years later be traveling the same road, but with a new destination. Everything has changed. I'm no longer at that job, I am now married and am committed to five months of intense physical, emotional and mental intensity to have a baby.
When I reached the doctor's office I had to pee like crazy! (They tell you to drink tons of water to hydrate the veins) before you go in. I thought that because I was part of the study I would go in right away, but the waiting room outside the doctor's office was filled with people. I sat waiting, filled to the gills and antsy. I kept a close eye on the clock, constantly calculating, "If they get me in by 'this time', then I can get back to the office by 'that time' and then I will have to make up, 'this amount of time'." The calculations started to make my b/p go up.
When my name was called, I went back and had about 8 tubes of blood taken. I asked not to be bandaged, but I got bandaged anyway. (Later that tape would leave a sticky welt like mark on my arm...lovely).
After the draining of the vein, I went back into a freezing cold room where I finally got to pee! Next, they measured the oil in my face with a machine, measured my waist and hips, and weighed me. From joy to joy they say. lol
The next part was the hardest for me. I had to have a transvaginal ultra sound today. I took off my clothes, neatly folded them, and took a deep breath as I stepped into a large examining room. As I sat onto the table I looked up and saw huge lights, like the ones I had seen at IVF. I knew was was coming next, the "wand" as I call it. I'm not a fan of the wand. It's long and lets just say, it's designed to invade your "personal space."
As I talked with the researcher, who is absolutely one of the nicest people ever, the doctor came in. He shook my hand and then told me to lay back. As he did the breast exam all I could feel was...uncomfortable. I know all women go through these, so I'm not saying it was a big deal, but you know the drill.
As he began to examine my ovaries, he said, "You are about to feel alot of pressure." My only response was "YUP!" I felt like I was saying that to not only the physical pressure I was about to experience but how I felt on the inside, my emotions. This whole experience is pressure.
I tried to close my eyes and get into a "happy place." I tried to think of a peaceful place that I've enjoyed for many years, but no matter how hard I tried to visualize it, that wand kept creeping deeper and I felt cramping. My eyes began to fill with tears but I refused to let them fall. It wasn't the cramping that was going to make me cry, it was emotional pain. It was the questions and feelings of, "Why do I have to go through this? Why do I have to be poked, prodded and measured? Why can't I just lay down with my husband and in love conceive? I began feeling frustrated, sad and angry.
By the time the exam was over, the researcher gave me a bag of pills and told me that she would call me when it was ok to take them. Unfortunately, I can't take them until Jeff gets tested and my IVF doctor releases my records. That former doctor I had continues to be a thorn in my side. I will definitely blog separately on how important it is for you to keep your own records. Always ask for copies! If I can't get these records in time, it is going to cause a landslide of problems. I'll have to get (another) HSG test. Let me just say this in advance, I'm NOT going to have another one. I will camp out at the doctor's office before I subject my body to that again. HSG is where they inject dye through your tubes, for those who don't know. They say it's mild to moderate pain. I say it's un-natural and NOT FUN.
Making my away out of the doctor's office I began to realize how hungry I was and raced back to grab lunch and get to work at a reasonable time. After staying late I made my way home. My arm is sore, my ovaries are sore and my emotions are sore. All I can think is, "Is this going to work?" The snow is coming soon. The diet is coming soon. The pills and periods are coming soon. Will this all be in vein or will my little baby be reading this one day saying, "Wow mom, you really loved me enough to want me to be here before you even knew me.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
PCOS Journey to have a baby. Post Diagnosis/IVF-Pre Research Study
Well, I guess today is as good as any to begin describing this (what seems to be) never ending journey of PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome).
If you are like me and have been trying to get pregnant, you've gone through the agony of ridiculously long periods that are heavy and never seem to end, or to quite the contrary go on extended vacations and you have to wait around for them to rear their ugly heads. Either way, it's not a pleasant experience. All the while you have the over extended guest or the altogether disappearing act, you still get to enjoy those lovely PMS symptoms: headache, bloat, mood swings, aches, sometimes even cramps, irritable bowel, etc...
If you are reading this and have PCOS and would like to come along for my journey, I welcome you.
I'm currently enrolled in a university study to try and get pregnant. To be honest, I'm so hopeful and completely terrified. You may ask, "How can you be both?" To be honest, I think most women with PCOS feel this frequently.
The hope to have a child never dies. It sometimes may lay dormant, but it's still there under the surface. Feeling terrified on the other hand, that pretty much is a permanent resident. I constantly try to put out of my mind the thought that I may never have children, but unfortunately, no matter how hard I try, it's there. This study I'm about to partake in is my last ditch effort to remedy my childless existence. The study is free and so far, I meet the criteria. Will this be another failed attempt, or will this be the hope I've been looking for? If it works, I'd like to share with you what I did so you can try too!
Before I continue, I feel like I need to address the following for any "potential" followers/readers. I know that adoption is an option, but it's not an option for my husband and I (yet). We went to an adoption agency and to be honest, we don't have the $10,000.00 to adopt a child. I will write about that episode in another blog.
We looked into fostering, but at this point in my life, I just feel like I couldn't handle loving a child with the potential of it being taken away. Any member of a foster child's family can claim the baby up to 6 months or a year. I personally worked with someone who fostered a crack baby. Do I even need to explain to you the hours that go into helping a baby who's mother was an addict? Long story short, my co-worker fell in love with this baby, gave her life to this baby and a member of the family stepped in and had the court take the baby back after several months of my co-workers love and labor. That's the scary part for me. I'm not mentally ready for that.
We tried IVF (which again I will write about in another blog) and because of expense, we could not do it. I went through every test and procedure only to find out we couldn't afford it. It took me a whole year to even want to talk about having hope again. I went through a range of emotions: Sadness, frustration, anger, fear, hopelessness, at times even anger. I felt like I had given up, until now. I'm ready to try again!
I know this journey will not be an easy one, but I'm willing to take the steps to at least try. Most people can just lay down and get pregnant, while others of us who have infertility issues need to have blood drawn, rush around to doctor's appointments, keep charts and circle dates like we are scientists, have commanded sex at certain days and times and so much more. It's like being on a ride at the fair and you want to yell "Stop the ride, let me off" but you know you have to go through the whole cycle before anyone is even going to think about letting you out.
So with high hopes and alot of fear, I applied to this university study. I apparently met all the criteria so far (whack-o periods, overweight, insulin resistant, etc...) Lucky me! I made arrangements with my job and headed off to my first appointment.
I filled out tons of paperwork and got my blood tested. I was told to go on a Low Glycemic Diet to help the insulin resistance and to come back this coming Thursday for an overall physical. Can I just tell you how annoying it is to have PCOS with all the symptoms I described above and on top of be told I can't eat what I want anymore? I wanted to ask the lady, "Would you like a kidney too?" I mean I know they are only trying to help, but this syndrome just feels like one punishment after another sometimes. I will try and adhere to the diet though. It's five months of my life and for a good cause. But if I'm being (totally honest), I'm not happy about having to change my dieting habits. In plain and simple english, "It's gonna suck!"
I plan on documenting everything, if not for the reader, then for myself and maybe for even a baby that might want to read this one day. (Fingers crossed).
To anyone who cares to follow this journey, I wish you well! :)
If you are like me and have been trying to get pregnant, you've gone through the agony of ridiculously long periods that are heavy and never seem to end, or to quite the contrary go on extended vacations and you have to wait around for them to rear their ugly heads. Either way, it's not a pleasant experience. All the while you have the over extended guest or the altogether disappearing act, you still get to enjoy those lovely PMS symptoms: headache, bloat, mood swings, aches, sometimes even cramps, irritable bowel, etc...
If you are reading this and have PCOS and would like to come along for my journey, I welcome you.
I'm currently enrolled in a university study to try and get pregnant. To be honest, I'm so hopeful and completely terrified. You may ask, "How can you be both?" To be honest, I think most women with PCOS feel this frequently.
The hope to have a child never dies. It sometimes may lay dormant, but it's still there under the surface. Feeling terrified on the other hand, that pretty much is a permanent resident. I constantly try to put out of my mind the thought that I may never have children, but unfortunately, no matter how hard I try, it's there. This study I'm about to partake in is my last ditch effort to remedy my childless existence. The study is free and so far, I meet the criteria. Will this be another failed attempt, or will this be the hope I've been looking for? If it works, I'd like to share with you what I did so you can try too!
Before I continue, I feel like I need to address the following for any "potential" followers/readers. I know that adoption is an option, but it's not an option for my husband and I (yet). We went to an adoption agency and to be honest, we don't have the $10,000.00 to adopt a child. I will write about that episode in another blog.
We looked into fostering, but at this point in my life, I just feel like I couldn't handle loving a child with the potential of it being taken away. Any member of a foster child's family can claim the baby up to 6 months or a year. I personally worked with someone who fostered a crack baby. Do I even need to explain to you the hours that go into helping a baby who's mother was an addict? Long story short, my co-worker fell in love with this baby, gave her life to this baby and a member of the family stepped in and had the court take the baby back after several months of my co-workers love and labor. That's the scary part for me. I'm not mentally ready for that.
We tried IVF (which again I will write about in another blog) and because of expense, we could not do it. I went through every test and procedure only to find out we couldn't afford it. It took me a whole year to even want to talk about having hope again. I went through a range of emotions: Sadness, frustration, anger, fear, hopelessness, at times even anger. I felt like I had given up, until now. I'm ready to try again!
I know this journey will not be an easy one, but I'm willing to take the steps to at least try. Most people can just lay down and get pregnant, while others of us who have infertility issues need to have blood drawn, rush around to doctor's appointments, keep charts and circle dates like we are scientists, have commanded sex at certain days and times and so much more. It's like being on a ride at the fair and you want to yell "Stop the ride, let me off" but you know you have to go through the whole cycle before anyone is even going to think about letting you out.
So with high hopes and alot of fear, I applied to this university study. I apparently met all the criteria so far (whack-o periods, overweight, insulin resistant, etc...) Lucky me! I made arrangements with my job and headed off to my first appointment.
I filled out tons of paperwork and got my blood tested. I was told to go on a Low Glycemic Diet to help the insulin resistance and to come back this coming Thursday for an overall physical. Can I just tell you how annoying it is to have PCOS with all the symptoms I described above and on top of be told I can't eat what I want anymore? I wanted to ask the lady, "Would you like a kidney too?" I mean I know they are only trying to help, but this syndrome just feels like one punishment after another sometimes. I will try and adhere to the diet though. It's five months of my life and for a good cause. But if I'm being (totally honest), I'm not happy about having to change my dieting habits. In plain and simple english, "It's gonna suck!"
I plan on documenting everything, if not for the reader, then for myself and maybe for even a baby that might want to read this one day. (Fingers crossed).
To anyone who cares to follow this journey, I wish you well! :)
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