Well, I was wrong. I thought I'd get in increased dosage of my drug, but I was told that because the first round did was it was suppose to (getting me to ovulate), they won't increase my dosage. The researcher told me, "Why would we give you a higher amount if the amount we gave you worked?" The rational side of my brain knows this makes sense. The illogical side of my brain, the side filled with fear and doubt, had a minor freak out. I began to wonder, "What if it's a fluke? What if my body naturally ovulated and now this round isn't going to work and I just wasted another month of blood tests, ultrasounds, appointments, drugs, and calendar tracking?" I know...that's not very positive, but it is at least honest. I guess only time will tell if it will work or not.
In retrospect, I remember I talked about the movie Rocky in my last post. Well, I kind of had another Rocky moment, but a Rocky II moment. I keep finding out that a lot of women I know are pregnant or very close to delivering and most of them are on baby number 2, 3 or 4. This makes me overjoyed for them. I know they are all good mothers. But on the flip side of things, I feel like Rocky II. If you haven't seen it, let me indulge you.
Rocky II he is re-challenged to a fight with the guy he previously lost to. Because he was so beat up the first time, there would be physical risk to him if he engaged in another fight. His wife (Adrian) does not support him taking this challenge and through the story she gets sick and goes into a coma. Rocky gives up. He sits by her beside waiting for her to awaken. He has no motivation or will to go on. It isn't until she wakes up and gives him her blessing that he gets the fire in his gut to not only fight, but to win.
Ok, now that you are caught up to speed on Rocky II, you may be saying, "What in the world does this have to do with PCOS?" Well, it's like this, I feel like I'm Rocky. I want to take the next fight. But my PCOS(Adrian), sometimes goes into a coma and drains me of my motivation or will to continue. My sadness was so enveloping about the baby situation, I felt like I was waiting by the bedside for something to wake up inside of me. This is the journey though. There is no straight shot in an upward motion, there is no continually downward spiral into sadness, there is no even playing field of stability, it is up and down and in between all the time. It is most definitely the fight of my life. Everytime I have to leave my house 6:30 am in the dark while the winds are whipping and the snow is falling, I feel upset that I have to go to my appointment. When the needle is jabbed into my arm, I feel irritated. When the scale is brought out to weigh me, I feel like I'm being strangled for my last breath. When the ultrasound probe is touching my ovaries from the inside, I feel like I was to disappear into non-existence. When I take the pills, they make me want to go into a deep sleep and when I have to watch the calender and count the days I feel more like an accountant than a potential expectant mother. Every step is a fight.
And another thing, if you are fighting infertility, beware of the "Adrians" around you! What I mean by that is some people are really just out to suck the life out of you because they themselves are miserable. I know someone who every chance they get bring up babies to me. It's like they want to see me fall to pieces. It's not a "passing conversation", it's intentional. It's just like when you try to diet, there's always going to be that person who eats cake in front of you and tells you how good it is. Just try to keep your focus because like I said before, Rocky does end up winning!
So until we meet again my readers, I leave you in peace. I hope those of you who are struggling with PCOS can identify with the emotions and feelings and can glean some good things in an effort to keep fighting for what you want. Like I said, it's not going to be easy. Just keep training the brain for the fight.
Have a good day everyone.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Friday, December 30, 2011
Drugs v. PCOS (Round One)
This may be a strange way to start a post, but how many of you have seen the first Rocky movie? I ask because if you have, you'll know what I'm talking about and if you haven't, well...you'll just have to try and imagine what I'm saying. I promise I'll make this come full circle and get back to the baby making progress.
The first Rocky movie is about a down and out fighter who's had a bad run of luck in life. He gets a break to fight a champion and takes it. In the end, he doesn't technically win the fight, but in alot of ways he does. He realizes his potential, he bonds with a group of people who identify with his struggle, and he walks away knowing that he gave it his best shot.
I feel like Rocky, this has been a fight, slug for slug, drug for drug, test after test. I'm feeling a bit beaten up but I'm still on my feet, no-one's pulling me out of this fight!
I went to the doctor this past week and while I was waiting for yet (another) internal ultrasound, I had to sit in a room and wait for my turn. While waiting in the room, I could hear the other patients go in before me. It's not like you are listening to someone on purpose, it's just loud and you have no choice but to hear. So I heard the woman and long story short, she's having triplets! She was complaining about how she doesn't want "all boys or all girls" and that it "better be a mixture". I would be dishonest if I didn't say it severely annoyed me. You are getting (3) babies and you are being picky. Rude. Then the patient was a "couple". The two women are partners and did artificial insemination and of course, they are pregnant. I couldn't help but to think, "I do it the natural way and nothing. Other people do it scientifically and bam...a baby." All my positivity that I had been feeling all month long deflated like a balloon. I was happy for the other patients, but desperate within myself.
I was sad as I went for the ultrasound and when the lady asked me, "How are you?" I managed to mumble an untruthful, "fine". As I laid there on the table with that giant rod poking at my insides I was more than aware that the people waiting to come in could hear my conversation just as I heard the other patients. The ultrasound technician started stating all these numbers and codes that I had no idea what they meant to the nurse behind me who wrote everything down on a piece of paper. When they told me I could sit up I asked doubtfully, "So did I ovulate?" The tech told me, "Well, we can't tell for sure but it looks pretty good. Your left side is limited but on the right you have a big clear follicle. The researcher will be able to tell you more after your bloodwork."
I definitely got down from the table with more hope than I had gotten onto the table. As I got dressed I heard the next patient and of course...they are pregnant. I didn't let this one get to me. I might have ovulated. This was a good sign. Like Rocky, I had been hit but I was not knocked out!
When I met with the researcher she took three viles of blood (which I was thankful for, last time it was 10!) Then I stepped on the scale and found that I gained another 7 pounds, oh the joy! Then she measured the oil in my face and we talked. I told her that over the weekend I had terrible migraines that woke me from my sleep, and lower ovarian pain. She took my blood pressure and it was skyrocketing. She told me to get the bp under control and I headed back to work.
While sitting at work, I got the call from my researcher, Michelle. She told me that the blood work showed that I had ovulated and that she thought it might've been over the weekend since I had pain in my ovaries. I couldn't help but to smile from ear to ear. I asked her again,"I ovulated? Really? I ovulated?" I thought I was going to cry. I may not be pregnant, but I ovulated! The drugs are working! Let me repeat, the drugs are working!!!!!! The goal was to get me to ovulate and I did. Now I have to wait a couple weeks and go back for another test and if I didn't get pregnant, I'll start my next round of drugs. (By the way, Rocky wins in the second movie).
So bringing this full circle, I feel just like Rocky. So maybe I didn't win the fight, but I'm realizing there's potential people! My word for 2012 is HOPE!
The first Rocky movie is about a down and out fighter who's had a bad run of luck in life. He gets a break to fight a champion and takes it. In the end, he doesn't technically win the fight, but in alot of ways he does. He realizes his potential, he bonds with a group of people who identify with his struggle, and he walks away knowing that he gave it his best shot.
I feel like Rocky, this has been a fight, slug for slug, drug for drug, test after test. I'm feeling a bit beaten up but I'm still on my feet, no-one's pulling me out of this fight!
I went to the doctor this past week and while I was waiting for yet (another) internal ultrasound, I had to sit in a room and wait for my turn. While waiting in the room, I could hear the other patients go in before me. It's not like you are listening to someone on purpose, it's just loud and you have no choice but to hear. So I heard the woman and long story short, she's having triplets! She was complaining about how she doesn't want "all boys or all girls" and that it "better be a mixture". I would be dishonest if I didn't say it severely annoyed me. You are getting (3) babies and you are being picky. Rude. Then the patient was a "couple". The two women are partners and did artificial insemination and of course, they are pregnant. I couldn't help but to think, "I do it the natural way and nothing. Other people do it scientifically and bam...a baby." All my positivity that I had been feeling all month long deflated like a balloon. I was happy for the other patients, but desperate within myself.
I was sad as I went for the ultrasound and when the lady asked me, "How are you?" I managed to mumble an untruthful, "fine". As I laid there on the table with that giant rod poking at my insides I was more than aware that the people waiting to come in could hear my conversation just as I heard the other patients. The ultrasound technician started stating all these numbers and codes that I had no idea what they meant to the nurse behind me who wrote everything down on a piece of paper. When they told me I could sit up I asked doubtfully, "So did I ovulate?" The tech told me, "Well, we can't tell for sure but it looks pretty good. Your left side is limited but on the right you have a big clear follicle. The researcher will be able to tell you more after your bloodwork."
I definitely got down from the table with more hope than I had gotten onto the table. As I got dressed I heard the next patient and of course...they are pregnant. I didn't let this one get to me. I might have ovulated. This was a good sign. Like Rocky, I had been hit but I was not knocked out!
When I met with the researcher she took three viles of blood (which I was thankful for, last time it was 10!) Then I stepped on the scale and found that I gained another 7 pounds, oh the joy! Then she measured the oil in my face and we talked. I told her that over the weekend I had terrible migraines that woke me from my sleep, and lower ovarian pain. She took my blood pressure and it was skyrocketing. She told me to get the bp under control and I headed back to work.
While sitting at work, I got the call from my researcher, Michelle. She told me that the blood work showed that I had ovulated and that she thought it might've been over the weekend since I had pain in my ovaries. I couldn't help but to smile from ear to ear. I asked her again,"I ovulated? Really? I ovulated?" I thought I was going to cry. I may not be pregnant, but I ovulated! The drugs are working! Let me repeat, the drugs are working!!!!!! The goal was to get me to ovulate and I did. Now I have to wait a couple weeks and go back for another test and if I didn't get pregnant, I'll start my next round of drugs. (By the way, Rocky wins in the second movie).
So bringing this full circle, I feel just like Rocky. So maybe I didn't win the fight, but I'm realizing there's potential people! My word for 2012 is HOPE!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Destiny Defined in Five
I have to write this or I'm going to burst. There is so much on my mind!
Tomorrow I am going for blood work and an internal ultrasound. More importantly, tomorrow begins the true defining moment of my journey. If you calculate all my appointments, tests, surgeries, and procedures, I have been waiting close to two years to get to this very point. It seems like every time I get close, there's one more obstacle, but now...now I am at the end of obstacles. Tomorrow I get the drugs for ovulation. I almost can't believe it.
I am overcome with emotion to know that in five months my destiny will be clearly defined. Within the next five months, I will become a mother, or I will have to accept the fact that I will be childless. The thought of becoming a mother gives me such great hope. The thought of accepting another failed attempt is sad. All I can do is keep my focus and try, try, try.
Because I have been trying to stay in the positive, I have to say, it may sound quirky but I got the neatest fortune cookie tonight after dinner. It read, "You will be showered with good luck before your next birthday." I want to think that is a wink from the universe that maybe it means a "baby shower?" It might be wishful thinking, but I'll take it. :)
And one last thing, I am not going to write it now, but I do want to document it so that if it happens in the future you know I wasn't lying. Remember the date: February 11th. I promise to explain later.
Good night my readers. Good luck to all of you trying and remember, stay positive. :)
Tomorrow I am going for blood work and an internal ultrasound. More importantly, tomorrow begins the true defining moment of my journey. If you calculate all my appointments, tests, surgeries, and procedures, I have been waiting close to two years to get to this very point. It seems like every time I get close, there's one more obstacle, but now...now I am at the end of obstacles. Tomorrow I get the drugs for ovulation. I almost can't believe it.
I am overcome with emotion to know that in five months my destiny will be clearly defined. Within the next five months, I will become a mother, or I will have to accept the fact that I will be childless. The thought of becoming a mother gives me such great hope. The thought of accepting another failed attempt is sad. All I can do is keep my focus and try, try, try.
Because I have been trying to stay in the positive, I have to say, it may sound quirky but I got the neatest fortune cookie tonight after dinner. It read, "You will be showered with good luck before your next birthday." I want to think that is a wink from the universe that maybe it means a "baby shower?" It might be wishful thinking, but I'll take it. :)
And one last thing, I am not going to write it now, but I do want to document it so that if it happens in the future you know I wasn't lying. Remember the date: February 11th. I promise to explain later.
Good night my readers. Good luck to all of you trying and remember, stay positive. :)
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Hardwired V. Re-Wired
I wish I could write right when the moment strikes, but often times I am at work or in the car when the best thoughts come to me. I guess I'll just have to do my best to recall what was the feelings and thoughts were of the moments this past Wednesday.
This past Wednesday I left my house at 6:30 am to head to the research study. I was more than a little surprised to see people standing line line at 7 am, waiting to see the staff. At exactly 7:01 they opened the doors and we all made a dash to write our names on the clip board. I honestly didn't have to wait that long this time and only had to have a blood draw (Thank God!)
Even though I only had a blood draw, I learn something every time I go to the research center. Michelle, my researcher, is so informative and over all, very positive. She's not positive in an annoying way though. Positive people who over hear conversations and don't even know you that make blanketed statements rub me the wrong way. You know the people I am referring to. The ones who say, "Oh, everything will be ok. Oh, just use will power. Just think positive." Ugh..that annoys me to no end. You can be helpful without being annoying, it is possible. Michelle on the other hand, she is just a flat out positive person. She lives optimistically so it doesn't come off fake or as a band aid to your problem. In talking with her, I realized, I might be hard wired to be a little negative, ok...alot negative. My life experiences have taught me that things don't always go according to plan and that there are always bumps in the road, which makes me look at things from a negative perspective. Even this whole journey, I have felt (and have even posted) the "what ifs" and the "probably nots" because that is what I am use to.
In talking with Michelle, I started to wonder if I could slowly re-wire my brain? You know, my dad is a bit of a hard tack. He has a good heart, but he is no nonsense in alot of ways. And I think I picked some of that up from him. But I'm beginning to think that I need to try to re-wire the brain into a more peaceful, positive approach.
Michelle told me that she's done alot of studies and has found that people who focus on the positive usually have better results all the way around the board in all aspects of life. Of course, my hardwired brain immediately wanted to shout out, "That's so stupid. Thinking about something positively does not and will not change the outcome. That's just stupid. It is what is and that's all that it is ever going to be." But even though I thought it, I didn't let slip out because as she continued to speak, I continued to listen. And then I began to wonder, "Positive thinking doesn't mean you have to throw out logic completely, maybe it just means you become happier in the reality in which you are living." So in that moment, I began to really examine myself, inwardly. I won't lie and say that the hard wiring of doubt, fear and frustration are not still hard wired into my head and constantly work towards being plugged in, but what if I could temporarily plug in the positive? Hmm...food for thought. I'm going to try it, obviously not in all aspects of my life or I will short circuit altogether, but maybe one thing at a time for now. I'm going to try and focus on one positive thing about this possible pregnancy at a time and see if it helps the journey along.
I hope that any of you reading this might join me and think on one positive thing today too. And if you can't think of one positive thing, let me help you. I appreciate you for coming along with me. :) If you are reading this, it means you care and therefore you have something to be positive about. You are caring person.
And I can't negate the reality of some of the negatives in my posts because I am chronicling everything (and that includes the bad). I want to give the overall experiences, the good, the bad and the ugly. But I'll try to remain positive in the brain while posting it all. :)
Here's my first attempt. Negative: Woke up at 4 am with a migraine, had to pee four times in the middle of the night, hands swelled up so bad that I couldn't make a fist. Positive: It's all going to be worth it when I kiss the top of my babies head for the first time.
Have a good day everyone.
This past Wednesday I left my house at 6:30 am to head to the research study. I was more than a little surprised to see people standing line line at 7 am, waiting to see the staff. At exactly 7:01 they opened the doors and we all made a dash to write our names on the clip board. I honestly didn't have to wait that long this time and only had to have a blood draw (Thank God!)
Even though I only had a blood draw, I learn something every time I go to the research center. Michelle, my researcher, is so informative and over all, very positive. She's not positive in an annoying way though. Positive people who over hear conversations and don't even know you that make blanketed statements rub me the wrong way. You know the people I am referring to. The ones who say, "Oh, everything will be ok. Oh, just use will power. Just think positive." Ugh..that annoys me to no end. You can be helpful without being annoying, it is possible. Michelle on the other hand, she is just a flat out positive person. She lives optimistically so it doesn't come off fake or as a band aid to your problem. In talking with her, I realized, I might be hard wired to be a little negative, ok...alot negative. My life experiences have taught me that things don't always go according to plan and that there are always bumps in the road, which makes me look at things from a negative perspective. Even this whole journey, I have felt (and have even posted) the "what ifs" and the "probably nots" because that is what I am use to.
In talking with Michelle, I started to wonder if I could slowly re-wire my brain? You know, my dad is a bit of a hard tack. He has a good heart, but he is no nonsense in alot of ways. And I think I picked some of that up from him. But I'm beginning to think that I need to try to re-wire the brain into a more peaceful, positive approach.
Michelle told me that she's done alot of studies and has found that people who focus on the positive usually have better results all the way around the board in all aspects of life. Of course, my hardwired brain immediately wanted to shout out, "That's so stupid. Thinking about something positively does not and will not change the outcome. That's just stupid. It is what is and that's all that it is ever going to be." But even though I thought it, I didn't let slip out because as she continued to speak, I continued to listen. And then I began to wonder, "Positive thinking doesn't mean you have to throw out logic completely, maybe it just means you become happier in the reality in which you are living." So in that moment, I began to really examine myself, inwardly. I won't lie and say that the hard wiring of doubt, fear and frustration are not still hard wired into my head and constantly work towards being plugged in, but what if I could temporarily plug in the positive? Hmm...food for thought. I'm going to try it, obviously not in all aspects of my life or I will short circuit altogether, but maybe one thing at a time for now. I'm going to try and focus on one positive thing about this possible pregnancy at a time and see if it helps the journey along.
I hope that any of you reading this might join me and think on one positive thing today too. And if you can't think of one positive thing, let me help you. I appreciate you for coming along with me. :) If you are reading this, it means you care and therefore you have something to be positive about. You are caring person.
And I can't negate the reality of some of the negatives in my posts because I am chronicling everything (and that includes the bad). I want to give the overall experiences, the good, the bad and the ugly. But I'll try to remain positive in the brain while posting it all. :)
Here's my first attempt. Negative: Woke up at 4 am with a migraine, had to pee four times in the middle of the night, hands swelled up so bad that I couldn't make a fist. Positive: It's all going to be worth it when I kiss the top of my babies head for the first time.
Have a good day everyone.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Thanksgiving
Ok, so I've received emails from people who have been logging on to read the blog asking, "What's going on? What's the latest update?" I haven't wrote anything because I was waiting on, how shall I phrase it? Lets just say I was waiting on "Aunt Flo" to rear her ugly head before I could post. And let me just say for the record, forcing a period through Provera has proven to be a "bloody battle", literally. I have extreme ovarian pain and massive bleeding to the point that I had to take a sleeping pill Saturday to escape my pain. And I couldn't proceed with any treatment regimen until my period actually came.
Well it happened. I took the Provera for the 10 days as prescribed by the research study and four days later, (this past Friday), my period came. I felt so excited to have it, because having it means I am hopefully closer to my goal of getting pregnant. I know that sounds counter productive, but it's not.
Once I started my cycle, I called the research study and told Michelle, my researcher that I started. She advised me that I am to come in the day before Thanksgiving for my next round of Provera (which I have to take for another 10 days) and then guess what? I get to start my first round of drugs after the fifth day of my next cycle, which will put me at trying to conceive sometime in December. I'm not trying to be negative, but I'm almost positive I won't get pregnant on the first try. (I've tried Clomid before and it didn't work at a low dose). I don't know what I will be given, as it is a blind study. The only thing I can be sure of is that I won't be receiving Placebo (which is a pill that for lack of a better term is a fake out). The researchers don't feel that it would be fair to give one set of people real drugs and the others a fake out. So I'm guaranteed either Clomid or something else that starts with an "L" that I can't remember, but both are ovulatory drugs. I just won't know what I am receiving as it is a blind study. The dose will increase each cycle for the next five months until I get pregnant or they terminate me. Terminate sounds so final doesn't it? I hope I never have to write a blog explaining that I have been terminated!
In the meantime, I'm happy. I'm so excited that starting next month I will be in full swing of actually trying to achieve pregnancy. It's fitting that I will actually begin this true journey the day before Thanksgiving because in essence, I am truly thankful for this opportunity.
Well it happened. I took the Provera for the 10 days as prescribed by the research study and four days later, (this past Friday), my period came. I felt so excited to have it, because having it means I am hopefully closer to my goal of getting pregnant. I know that sounds counter productive, but it's not.
Once I started my cycle, I called the research study and told Michelle, my researcher that I started. She advised me that I am to come in the day before Thanksgiving for my next round of Provera (which I have to take for another 10 days) and then guess what? I get to start my first round of drugs after the fifth day of my next cycle, which will put me at trying to conceive sometime in December. I'm not trying to be negative, but I'm almost positive I won't get pregnant on the first try. (I've tried Clomid before and it didn't work at a low dose). I don't know what I will be given, as it is a blind study. The only thing I can be sure of is that I won't be receiving Placebo (which is a pill that for lack of a better term is a fake out). The researchers don't feel that it would be fair to give one set of people real drugs and the others a fake out. So I'm guaranteed either Clomid or something else that starts with an "L" that I can't remember, but both are ovulatory drugs. I just won't know what I am receiving as it is a blind study. The dose will increase each cycle for the next five months until I get pregnant or they terminate me. Terminate sounds so final doesn't it? I hope I never have to write a blog explaining that I have been terminated!
In the meantime, I'm happy. I'm so excited that starting next month I will be in full swing of actually trying to achieve pregnancy. It's fitting that I will actually begin this true journey the day before Thanksgiving because in essence, I am truly thankful for this opportunity.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Freaking out a little bit
Ok, I'm honestly freaking out a little bit. I've been told to take Provera for 10 days and then in the following days after the withdraw, I should have a period.
In the meantime, my boobs are killing me. They are so sore that I wish I could take them off and set them on a shelf somewhere until they stop hurting. I also have had a huge increase in appetite. I feel so incredibly hungry that I want to stuff my face like never before. I'm like a bottomless pit! I've been cramping up and super emotional. I actually cried at work today. And my gosh, maybe this is TMI (too much information) but my need to urinate has been constant. It's not just the frequency that is bothering me but the intensity of the need. It almost feels like my bladder is going to burst or that I'm going to pee my pants. It's really horrible.
I keep wondering "What is wrong with me?" I did a little research to find out why all these things are happening to me and what I found is that regular women who take Provera have certain symptoms or even no symptoms, while women with PCOS experience all the symptoms I listed above.
I have to go through 5-6 more rounds of this Provera...God help me. This sucks.
In the meantime, my boobs are killing me. They are so sore that I wish I could take them off and set them on a shelf somewhere until they stop hurting. I also have had a huge increase in appetite. I feel so incredibly hungry that I want to stuff my face like never before. I'm like a bottomless pit! I've been cramping up and super emotional. I actually cried at work today. And my gosh, maybe this is TMI (too much information) but my need to urinate has been constant. It's not just the frequency that is bothering me but the intensity of the need. It almost feels like my bladder is going to burst or that I'm going to pee my pants. It's really horrible.
I keep wondering "What is wrong with me?" I did a little research to find out why all these things are happening to me and what I found is that regular women who take Provera have certain symptoms or even no symptoms, while women with PCOS experience all the symptoms I listed above.
I have to go through 5-6 more rounds of this Provera...God help me. This sucks.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
I got shot
Well, the wheels are set in motion. I got a shot today for Rubella. Now, I have to wait it out and see if I have immunity or if I need a second shot, which will delay me another thirty days beyond the 30 I have to wait starting from today. I crossed my fingers, toes and heart and said a small prayer, "God, please let this shot work so I can start my drug therapy in December."
I did want to blog a little about my experience in going to actually get my shot, because let's face it, this is a journey.
I had to ask to leave work early so that I could make it to the health clinic in enough time, which means I'll have to cut my lunches short or come in early to work to make up my time. I hate having to do that, but at least I have the option. And I had to pay $50.00 cash, happy belated birthday to me!
I wish I could've went to my own doctor, but they would have to order the vaccine and that would take too much time. I feel like I'm on a timer need to move quickly. Jeff's mom works for Oakland County and was a huge help. She made phone calls for me and cheered me on along the way.
The waiting room was thick with people. I took a number, grabbed a clip board and waited for my turn while watching "Finding Nemo" on the tv in the corner. I couldn't help but think the whole time I was there, "If I had a kid, I would sit and watch this with him or her." I thought about all the books I want to buy them and all the things I want to do with them. It was only when my impatience in waiting broke my concentration. It seemed like they were calling the numbers out so very slowly!
When I finally got called, the lady at the front desk began to ask me about the vaccinations I had as a child and I had no idea. What's sad is that I cannot even pick up a phone and ask my own mother, "Did you get me this vaccine. Do you remember? Do you know who my childhood doctor was?" I can't do those things because she is absent. So all I can do at this point is hope for the best. And the best would be that I had at least one Rubella shot when I was younger and then I would only need this one shot in order to move forward. (Fingers still crossed).
And on a side note, I have to be honest. I have been doing HORRIBLE with the no sugar thing. I honestly think I've been eating worse than I ever have in my life. I don't know if it is the stress of worrying about things going on in my life right now or my utter annoyance of having to cut sugar out? At any rate, I think I've ate enough Halloween candy to sink the Titanic. The only good thing I keep telling myself is, "You still have 30 days before they can even think about giving you the drug so don't worry about it." But on the flip side to that "excuse" is the truth. I need to cut out the sugar and I am totally addicted. The researcher didn't say that having sugar would kill my chances, she just said that cutting out the sugar would improve my chances. Which should make me cut out the sugar right? It's hard people. It's hard.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Another Delay :(
Well, just when you think you see the finish line, the road bend you still have miles to go. Story of my life it seems.
Jeff went for his tests at the research study and things went well. We have to wait until Monday to see if it's all a go, but in the meantime, the researcher told me that she reviewed my records and I am not immune to Rubella. Apparently, I have to get a vaccine before I can start the research study. Sigh...this makes me very sad. (Another) delay. I cannot begin the drug therapy until 30 days after the vaccine. To those of you reading this, 30 days is probably just a bump in the road, but to me, it just seems like another big obstacle.
I called my doctor's office, my ob/gyn, even my mother in law who works for the county, seeking to find out if any of them could give me the shot. Of course because it was a Friday, almost no-one was in office, except my mother in law. Unfortunately, she cannot give me the shot. She was the only one that was helpful. She found out for me where I can get the shot. I'm so glad to have her to go to when I need help. Talk about having someone in your corner. I couldn't ask for better. I might have to go the Health Clinic. $100.00 out of pocket, another day juggling my schedule with work, and then another 30 days to try and get on an ovulatory drug.
I just feel like time is slipping away from me. I know with certainty that the drugs aren't going to work on the first round. IVF already told me they wouldn't give me ovulatory drugs because they would have to give me such a high dose. So in essence, it probably won't happen until the end of the study, if it even happens at all. And if I'm delayed another month, this puts me in the 6th month category of time going by. That's half a year people. I just turned 38 and I cannot even explain the anxiety and nerves that are coursing through my body. I will definitely be 39 by the time I have a baby, if I conceive. This means, I will probably only get to have one child. I use to dream of having 2 or 3 kids, but it looks like that dream is fading with each passing moment. One stalled effort after another.
Sorry to seem so negative, perhaps it's because I woke up with a migraine and I feel frustrated by the news. That's another thing that bugs me about this PCOS junk. I get constant migraines. I know my period is trying to start (aching breasts, bloating, fatigue, nausea, and oh yes...blinding...wake you out of a full on sleep on a Saturday morning at 6am headaches.) I took two Excedrin Migraine formula this morning for breakfast. Lovely. I feel totally sick! Not flu/cold sick, but headache/throw up sick.
On a positive note, I do get to start the Provera today so I can start my period. I'm very scared to take it because I am afraid my period won't stop once it comes, but I can't wait any longer. I'm going on 3 months now without a period. It's time to get it so the uterine lining does not build up again.
This morning I am going to take a pregnancy test, just to make sure that I'm not pregnant before I start the Provera and then I get to begin the fun of my period, but without the ovulatory drug and the impending doom of a SHOT! Blah.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Records Received, Appointment Friday
Ok, so believe it or not, I got my medical records. Finally! After a month of struggling with the doctor's office they finally provided me with my record. I am so happy that I will never have to go that office again. In the elevator up to the office, my heart was pounding because all the bad memories of that place came flooding back, upon entering the building. Sigh of relief...I never have to go back!
Funny thing though, I read over my records and they listed me as a "nurse" in one record, stating that I had to have the HSG test done at the hospital while have my uterus repaired because I was a "nurse who refused to have things done in radiology due to my job." Um... last time I checked, my paycheck didn't reflect the salary of a nurse! Idiots, that's all I can say about that. They also listed me as, "crying and emotional." Oh, ok. Bleed for 45 days straight, have surgery, go on drugs and be told that you can't have a baby unless you can come up with 10K and lets see if you get "emotional and/or cry."
Tomorrow is a super important day. Jeff is going to the research study for his portion of the test. He has to get "checked out" and if all his equipment works, we are good to go. He is going with my records in hand and I'm hoping that I will get the call on Friday or Monday to start provera to get my period. Once I get my period, I can start the first round of drugs to try and get pregnant. I'm pretty sure the first round is not going to work. I'm assuming that if this drug is going to work, I'll probably need the highest dose possible since I never ovulate. Which long story long means, I probably won't get pregnant until February or March (if at all). But if they start my drugs in November, my last round of drugs I'll be able to get is in March. So one way or another, I will find out if I am going to be a mom in the next five months. Woe...
Lastly, if you'd like to leave a comment, I welcome you to. And I'd really like your feedback as to whether or not you like the Fox link and the PCOS links in red at the bottom?
Funny thing though, I read over my records and they listed me as a "nurse" in one record, stating that I had to have the HSG test done at the hospital while have my uterus repaired because I was a "nurse who refused to have things done in radiology due to my job." Um... last time I checked, my paycheck didn't reflect the salary of a nurse! Idiots, that's all I can say about that. They also listed me as, "crying and emotional." Oh, ok. Bleed for 45 days straight, have surgery, go on drugs and be told that you can't have a baby unless you can come up with 10K and lets see if you get "emotional and/or cry."
Tomorrow is a super important day. Jeff is going to the research study for his portion of the test. He has to get "checked out" and if all his equipment works, we are good to go. He is going with my records in hand and I'm hoping that I will get the call on Friday or Monday to start provera to get my period. Once I get my period, I can start the first round of drugs to try and get pregnant. I'm pretty sure the first round is not going to work. I'm assuming that if this drug is going to work, I'll probably need the highest dose possible since I never ovulate. Which long story long means, I probably won't get pregnant until February or March (if at all). But if they start my drugs in November, my last round of drugs I'll be able to get is in March. So one way or another, I will find out if I am going to be a mom in the next five months. Woe...
Lastly, if you'd like to leave a comment, I welcome you to. And I'd really like your feedback as to whether or not you like the Fox link and the PCOS links in red at the bottom?
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
The Importance of Getting Your Medical Records
For anyone reading this, I can't stress enough how important it is for you to get your medical records if you are going to undergo any kind of treatment. I don't care if it was a pap smear, blood tests, HSG, D&C, etc... you should always get your records.
There are many issues/problems with your new doctor requesting your records, versus you picking up your records yourself. In my own situation, my new doctor requested my records from my old doctor and my old doctor stated that they didn't "receive the request" three times in a row. I had to spend endless hours on the phone calling my new doctor to see what number they had and then call my old doctor to see if they got the fax request etc... It was a vicious cycle. Then once they received my request, they said they couldn't process my request until the doctor gave the ok. Then I had to call back again and they said the doctor was at a conference out of town and they couldn't locate my records. Long story short, I told them I would be driving there tomorrow to pick them up. Let's see what excuses they give me face to face. Don't make yourself go through this hassle. It's easier for you to get them yourself right from the beginning...yourself!
For starters, you have the most rights to your records. There are actually laws under HIPPA in the State of Michigan that state you have a right to your records within 30 days of your request. If your doctor's office won't comply, they have to give you a written explanation with why they haven't sent them to you and when you can be expecting them. If your doctor's office won't comply, you can report them to the Office for Civil Rights or the Department of Health and Human Services. (Hopefully you won't have to take it that far, but you do have the option if necessary).
I wish I had someone to tell me what I am telling you now, "GET YOUR RECORDS YOURSELF!" In this research study I'm taking place in, they can't proceed until I get my records. My whole life is on hold because of one doctor's office. I might have to have very painful tests redone if I can't get my records. Sigh...so the fight begins tomorrow (and on my lunch hour I might add). Another day of rushing and stressing. I'm wondering if PCOS should stand for "Partially Crazy Over Stress" ? LOL
I'll keep you posted as to what happened and whether or not I got the much needed records.
There are many issues/problems with your new doctor requesting your records, versus you picking up your records yourself. In my own situation, my new doctor requested my records from my old doctor and my old doctor stated that they didn't "receive the request" three times in a row. I had to spend endless hours on the phone calling my new doctor to see what number they had and then call my old doctor to see if they got the fax request etc... It was a vicious cycle. Then once they received my request, they said they couldn't process my request until the doctor gave the ok. Then I had to call back again and they said the doctor was at a conference out of town and they couldn't locate my records. Long story short, I told them I would be driving there tomorrow to pick them up. Let's see what excuses they give me face to face. Don't make yourself go through this hassle. It's easier for you to get them yourself right from the beginning...yourself!
For starters, you have the most rights to your records. There are actually laws under HIPPA in the State of Michigan that state you have a right to your records within 30 days of your request. If your doctor's office won't comply, they have to give you a written explanation with why they haven't sent them to you and when you can be expecting them. If your doctor's office won't comply, you can report them to the Office for Civil Rights or the Department of Health and Human Services. (Hopefully you won't have to take it that far, but you do have the option if necessary).
I wish I had someone to tell me what I am telling you now, "GET YOUR RECORDS YOURSELF!" In this research study I'm taking place in, they can't proceed until I get my records. My whole life is on hold because of one doctor's office. I might have to have very painful tests redone if I can't get my records. Sigh...so the fight begins tomorrow (and on my lunch hour I might add). Another day of rushing and stressing. I'm wondering if PCOS should stand for "Partially Crazy Over Stress" ? LOL
I'll keep you posted as to what happened and whether or not I got the much needed records.
At the "Root" of the problem is a "Crab Apple"
So today is the day I start this whole fruit and veggie diet. Sigh...I'm feeling very crabby. I can't "get my head in the game" so to speak.
To be completely honest, because I knew I was going to be starting this diet, I went on a bender! At work people celebrated my birthday with bagels, cupcakes, candy, etc... and I pounded it all down with fervor. I even hit up McDonald's for dinner and sucked down the fries like a vacuum was attached to my face. I felt like an inmate on death row, who had to savour his last meal before execution. Sounds extreme right? Well, unless you suffer from sugar addiction, you wouldn't know. Bob Greene (Oprah's former trainer) once said on a radio station I was listening to, "It's harder for a person to maintain a diet and quit certain foods than it is for heroine addicts to quit heroine." Something resonated with me regarding that statement. It's true though when you think about it. You (HAVE) to eat to live, you don't (HAVE) to do drugs to live. So the moment you put food in your mouth (good or bad) it triggers all kinds of urges for other foods. Drugs you can quit cold turkey and you never have to have them again. Just food for thought people. If you are struggling, don't let anyone bully you into the whole "It's just will power" attitude. It's not will power. It's war on the floor! It's a battle every day. To trivialize it is just outrageous to me. And I know I'm going on a rant here, but I also don't appreciate the whole, "Just exercise more" philosophy. My answer to that philosophy is, "Go get yourself some PCOS, live in my life, with my body and then you can tell me how to eat and live." I'm not directing this at any one person, I'm just saying this out loud for all people who think it's so easy. It's not.
Yesterday I finally did the grocery shopping for all my low sugar diet foods and my basket was filled vegetables, whole grains, cheeses, some apples and a mango. I felt frustrated and depressed as I walked through the store. I seriously feel like I'm being punished. It should be such a little thing to change my diet and I should do it with joy, but inside I just feel annoyed.
So many things keep rolling through my head like, "What if I try this and it doesn't work? What if my chemistry stays the same? What if I still don't ovulate? What if I actually do get pregnant and I miscarry?" I'm 38 and I have (never) been pregnant. There are just so many "what ifs".
I'm going to sign off now, go take a shower and then begin my veggie prep. For anyone reading this, maybe internally wish me luck. I'm feeling rough. And for anyone else trying to change their life too, I wish you the best. I know it's tough.
To be completely honest, because I knew I was going to be starting this diet, I went on a bender! At work people celebrated my birthday with bagels, cupcakes, candy, etc... and I pounded it all down with fervor. I even hit up McDonald's for dinner and sucked down the fries like a vacuum was attached to my face. I felt like an inmate on death row, who had to savour his last meal before execution. Sounds extreme right? Well, unless you suffer from sugar addiction, you wouldn't know. Bob Greene (Oprah's former trainer) once said on a radio station I was listening to, "It's harder for a person to maintain a diet and quit certain foods than it is for heroine addicts to quit heroine." Something resonated with me regarding that statement. It's true though when you think about it. You (HAVE) to eat to live, you don't (HAVE) to do drugs to live. So the moment you put food in your mouth (good or bad) it triggers all kinds of urges for other foods. Drugs you can quit cold turkey and you never have to have them again. Just food for thought people. If you are struggling, don't let anyone bully you into the whole "It's just will power" attitude. It's not will power. It's war on the floor! It's a battle every day. To trivialize it is just outrageous to me. And I know I'm going on a rant here, but I also don't appreciate the whole, "Just exercise more" philosophy. My answer to that philosophy is, "Go get yourself some PCOS, live in my life, with my body and then you can tell me how to eat and live." I'm not directing this at any one person, I'm just saying this out loud for all people who think it's so easy. It's not.
Yesterday I finally did the grocery shopping for all my low sugar diet foods and my basket was filled vegetables, whole grains, cheeses, some apples and a mango. I felt frustrated and depressed as I walked through the store. I seriously feel like I'm being punished. It should be such a little thing to change my diet and I should do it with joy, but inside I just feel annoyed.
So many things keep rolling through my head like, "What if I try this and it doesn't work? What if my chemistry stays the same? What if I still don't ovulate? What if I actually do get pregnant and I miscarry?" I'm 38 and I have (never) been pregnant. There are just so many "what ifs".
I'm going to sign off now, go take a shower and then begin my veggie prep. For anyone reading this, maybe internally wish me luck. I'm feeling rough. And for anyone else trying to change their life too, I wish you the best. I know it's tough.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Appointment #2-The Physical
When I got accepted for the PCOS study from the university, I felt enthusiastic. Today however, I felt a range of emotions that mostly were not good.
I went into work early this morning because when you take time off to go to doctor's appointments, you usually need to take a PTO (Paid Time Off) day or make up your time. The problem with taking a PTO day is that you get so very few to begin with and once you exhaust them, you are pretty much out of luck should anything come up for the rest of the year (sickness, vacation, etc...)
Fasting since last night, I woke up grumpy as all get out. I endured the taste of bad breath in my mouth that always accompanies fasting, sipped water with feelings of nausea and wrestled with dizziness. At 10:15 I punched out and weaved my way in and out of traffic.
I had an odd sensation as I drove 12 Mile toward the doctor's office. I passed the place where I won tickets from a radio event, that led me to meeting my husband. I passed the place we went our first date and I passed the place where I use to work. Never did I dream in my single days of working at that job, or in the new phases of love when I first met Jeff, that I would only a couple years later be traveling the same road, but with a new destination. Everything has changed. I'm no longer at that job, I am now married and am committed to five months of intense physical, emotional and mental intensity to have a baby.
When I reached the doctor's office I had to pee like crazy! (They tell you to drink tons of water to hydrate the veins) before you go in. I thought that because I was part of the study I would go in right away, but the waiting room outside the doctor's office was filled with people. I sat waiting, filled to the gills and antsy. I kept a close eye on the clock, constantly calculating, "If they get me in by 'this time', then I can get back to the office by 'that time' and then I will have to make up, 'this amount of time'." The calculations started to make my b/p go up.
When my name was called, I went back and had about 8 tubes of blood taken. I asked not to be bandaged, but I got bandaged anyway. (Later that tape would leave a sticky welt like mark on my arm...lovely).
After the draining of the vein, I went back into a freezing cold room where I finally got to pee! Next, they measured the oil in my face with a machine, measured my waist and hips, and weighed me. From joy to joy they say. lol
The next part was the hardest for me. I had to have a transvaginal ultra sound today. I took off my clothes, neatly folded them, and took a deep breath as I stepped into a large examining room. As I sat onto the table I looked up and saw huge lights, like the ones I had seen at IVF. I knew was was coming next, the "wand" as I call it. I'm not a fan of the wand. It's long and lets just say, it's designed to invade your "personal space."
As I talked with the researcher, who is absolutely one of the nicest people ever, the doctor came in. He shook my hand and then told me to lay back. As he did the breast exam all I could feel was...uncomfortable. I know all women go through these, so I'm not saying it was a big deal, but you know the drill.
As he began to examine my ovaries, he said, "You are about to feel alot of pressure." My only response was "YUP!" I felt like I was saying that to not only the physical pressure I was about to experience but how I felt on the inside, my emotions. This whole experience is pressure.
I tried to close my eyes and get into a "happy place." I tried to think of a peaceful place that I've enjoyed for many years, but no matter how hard I tried to visualize it, that wand kept creeping deeper and I felt cramping. My eyes began to fill with tears but I refused to let them fall. It wasn't the cramping that was going to make me cry, it was emotional pain. It was the questions and feelings of, "Why do I have to go through this? Why do I have to be poked, prodded and measured? Why can't I just lay down with my husband and in love conceive? I began feeling frustrated, sad and angry.
By the time the exam was over, the researcher gave me a bag of pills and told me that she would call me when it was ok to take them. Unfortunately, I can't take them until Jeff gets tested and my IVF doctor releases my records. That former doctor I had continues to be a thorn in my side. I will definitely blog separately on how important it is for you to keep your own records. Always ask for copies! If I can't get these records in time, it is going to cause a landslide of problems. I'll have to get (another) HSG test. Let me just say this in advance, I'm NOT going to have another one. I will camp out at the doctor's office before I subject my body to that again. HSG is where they inject dye through your tubes, for those who don't know. They say it's mild to moderate pain. I say it's un-natural and NOT FUN.
Making my away out of the doctor's office I began to realize how hungry I was and raced back to grab lunch and get to work at a reasonable time. After staying late I made my way home. My arm is sore, my ovaries are sore and my emotions are sore. All I can think is, "Is this going to work?" The snow is coming soon. The diet is coming soon. The pills and periods are coming soon. Will this all be in vein or will my little baby be reading this one day saying, "Wow mom, you really loved me enough to want me to be here before you even knew me.
I went into work early this morning because when you take time off to go to doctor's appointments, you usually need to take a PTO (Paid Time Off) day or make up your time. The problem with taking a PTO day is that you get so very few to begin with and once you exhaust them, you are pretty much out of luck should anything come up for the rest of the year (sickness, vacation, etc...)
Fasting since last night, I woke up grumpy as all get out. I endured the taste of bad breath in my mouth that always accompanies fasting, sipped water with feelings of nausea and wrestled with dizziness. At 10:15 I punched out and weaved my way in and out of traffic.
I had an odd sensation as I drove 12 Mile toward the doctor's office. I passed the place where I won tickets from a radio event, that led me to meeting my husband. I passed the place we went our first date and I passed the place where I use to work. Never did I dream in my single days of working at that job, or in the new phases of love when I first met Jeff, that I would only a couple years later be traveling the same road, but with a new destination. Everything has changed. I'm no longer at that job, I am now married and am committed to five months of intense physical, emotional and mental intensity to have a baby.
When I reached the doctor's office I had to pee like crazy! (They tell you to drink tons of water to hydrate the veins) before you go in. I thought that because I was part of the study I would go in right away, but the waiting room outside the doctor's office was filled with people. I sat waiting, filled to the gills and antsy. I kept a close eye on the clock, constantly calculating, "If they get me in by 'this time', then I can get back to the office by 'that time' and then I will have to make up, 'this amount of time'." The calculations started to make my b/p go up.
When my name was called, I went back and had about 8 tubes of blood taken. I asked not to be bandaged, but I got bandaged anyway. (Later that tape would leave a sticky welt like mark on my arm...lovely).
After the draining of the vein, I went back into a freezing cold room where I finally got to pee! Next, they measured the oil in my face with a machine, measured my waist and hips, and weighed me. From joy to joy they say. lol
The next part was the hardest for me. I had to have a transvaginal ultra sound today. I took off my clothes, neatly folded them, and took a deep breath as I stepped into a large examining room. As I sat onto the table I looked up and saw huge lights, like the ones I had seen at IVF. I knew was was coming next, the "wand" as I call it. I'm not a fan of the wand. It's long and lets just say, it's designed to invade your "personal space."
As I talked with the researcher, who is absolutely one of the nicest people ever, the doctor came in. He shook my hand and then told me to lay back. As he did the breast exam all I could feel was...uncomfortable. I know all women go through these, so I'm not saying it was a big deal, but you know the drill.
As he began to examine my ovaries, he said, "You are about to feel alot of pressure." My only response was "YUP!" I felt like I was saying that to not only the physical pressure I was about to experience but how I felt on the inside, my emotions. This whole experience is pressure.
I tried to close my eyes and get into a "happy place." I tried to think of a peaceful place that I've enjoyed for many years, but no matter how hard I tried to visualize it, that wand kept creeping deeper and I felt cramping. My eyes began to fill with tears but I refused to let them fall. It wasn't the cramping that was going to make me cry, it was emotional pain. It was the questions and feelings of, "Why do I have to go through this? Why do I have to be poked, prodded and measured? Why can't I just lay down with my husband and in love conceive? I began feeling frustrated, sad and angry.
By the time the exam was over, the researcher gave me a bag of pills and told me that she would call me when it was ok to take them. Unfortunately, I can't take them until Jeff gets tested and my IVF doctor releases my records. That former doctor I had continues to be a thorn in my side. I will definitely blog separately on how important it is for you to keep your own records. Always ask for copies! If I can't get these records in time, it is going to cause a landslide of problems. I'll have to get (another) HSG test. Let me just say this in advance, I'm NOT going to have another one. I will camp out at the doctor's office before I subject my body to that again. HSG is where they inject dye through your tubes, for those who don't know. They say it's mild to moderate pain. I say it's un-natural and NOT FUN.
Making my away out of the doctor's office I began to realize how hungry I was and raced back to grab lunch and get to work at a reasonable time. After staying late I made my way home. My arm is sore, my ovaries are sore and my emotions are sore. All I can think is, "Is this going to work?" The snow is coming soon. The diet is coming soon. The pills and periods are coming soon. Will this all be in vein or will my little baby be reading this one day saying, "Wow mom, you really loved me enough to want me to be here before you even knew me.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
PCOS Journey to have a baby. Post Diagnosis/IVF-Pre Research Study
Well, I guess today is as good as any to begin describing this (what seems to be) never ending journey of PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome).
If you are like me and have been trying to get pregnant, you've gone through the agony of ridiculously long periods that are heavy and never seem to end, or to quite the contrary go on extended vacations and you have to wait around for them to rear their ugly heads. Either way, it's not a pleasant experience. All the while you have the over extended guest or the altogether disappearing act, you still get to enjoy those lovely PMS symptoms: headache, bloat, mood swings, aches, sometimes even cramps, irritable bowel, etc...
If you are reading this and have PCOS and would like to come along for my journey, I welcome you.
I'm currently enrolled in a university study to try and get pregnant. To be honest, I'm so hopeful and completely terrified. You may ask, "How can you be both?" To be honest, I think most women with PCOS feel this frequently.
The hope to have a child never dies. It sometimes may lay dormant, but it's still there under the surface. Feeling terrified on the other hand, that pretty much is a permanent resident. I constantly try to put out of my mind the thought that I may never have children, but unfortunately, no matter how hard I try, it's there. This study I'm about to partake in is my last ditch effort to remedy my childless existence. The study is free and so far, I meet the criteria. Will this be another failed attempt, or will this be the hope I've been looking for? If it works, I'd like to share with you what I did so you can try too!
Before I continue, I feel like I need to address the following for any "potential" followers/readers. I know that adoption is an option, but it's not an option for my husband and I (yet). We went to an adoption agency and to be honest, we don't have the $10,000.00 to adopt a child. I will write about that episode in another blog.
We looked into fostering, but at this point in my life, I just feel like I couldn't handle loving a child with the potential of it being taken away. Any member of a foster child's family can claim the baby up to 6 months or a year. I personally worked with someone who fostered a crack baby. Do I even need to explain to you the hours that go into helping a baby who's mother was an addict? Long story short, my co-worker fell in love with this baby, gave her life to this baby and a member of the family stepped in and had the court take the baby back after several months of my co-workers love and labor. That's the scary part for me. I'm not mentally ready for that.
We tried IVF (which again I will write about in another blog) and because of expense, we could not do it. I went through every test and procedure only to find out we couldn't afford it. It took me a whole year to even want to talk about having hope again. I went through a range of emotions: Sadness, frustration, anger, fear, hopelessness, at times even anger. I felt like I had given up, until now. I'm ready to try again!
I know this journey will not be an easy one, but I'm willing to take the steps to at least try. Most people can just lay down and get pregnant, while others of us who have infertility issues need to have blood drawn, rush around to doctor's appointments, keep charts and circle dates like we are scientists, have commanded sex at certain days and times and so much more. It's like being on a ride at the fair and you want to yell "Stop the ride, let me off" but you know you have to go through the whole cycle before anyone is even going to think about letting you out.
So with high hopes and alot of fear, I applied to this university study. I apparently met all the criteria so far (whack-o periods, overweight, insulin resistant, etc...) Lucky me! I made arrangements with my job and headed off to my first appointment.
I filled out tons of paperwork and got my blood tested. I was told to go on a Low Glycemic Diet to help the insulin resistance and to come back this coming Thursday for an overall physical. Can I just tell you how annoying it is to have PCOS with all the symptoms I described above and on top of be told I can't eat what I want anymore? I wanted to ask the lady, "Would you like a kidney too?" I mean I know they are only trying to help, but this syndrome just feels like one punishment after another sometimes. I will try and adhere to the diet though. It's five months of my life and for a good cause. But if I'm being (totally honest), I'm not happy about having to change my dieting habits. In plain and simple english, "It's gonna suck!"
I plan on documenting everything, if not for the reader, then for myself and maybe for even a baby that might want to read this one day. (Fingers crossed).
To anyone who cares to follow this journey, I wish you well! :)
If you are like me and have been trying to get pregnant, you've gone through the agony of ridiculously long periods that are heavy and never seem to end, or to quite the contrary go on extended vacations and you have to wait around for them to rear their ugly heads. Either way, it's not a pleasant experience. All the while you have the over extended guest or the altogether disappearing act, you still get to enjoy those lovely PMS symptoms: headache, bloat, mood swings, aches, sometimes even cramps, irritable bowel, etc...
If you are reading this and have PCOS and would like to come along for my journey, I welcome you.
I'm currently enrolled in a university study to try and get pregnant. To be honest, I'm so hopeful and completely terrified. You may ask, "How can you be both?" To be honest, I think most women with PCOS feel this frequently.
The hope to have a child never dies. It sometimes may lay dormant, but it's still there under the surface. Feeling terrified on the other hand, that pretty much is a permanent resident. I constantly try to put out of my mind the thought that I may never have children, but unfortunately, no matter how hard I try, it's there. This study I'm about to partake in is my last ditch effort to remedy my childless existence. The study is free and so far, I meet the criteria. Will this be another failed attempt, or will this be the hope I've been looking for? If it works, I'd like to share with you what I did so you can try too!
Before I continue, I feel like I need to address the following for any "potential" followers/readers. I know that adoption is an option, but it's not an option for my husband and I (yet). We went to an adoption agency and to be honest, we don't have the $10,000.00 to adopt a child. I will write about that episode in another blog.
We looked into fostering, but at this point in my life, I just feel like I couldn't handle loving a child with the potential of it being taken away. Any member of a foster child's family can claim the baby up to 6 months or a year. I personally worked with someone who fostered a crack baby. Do I even need to explain to you the hours that go into helping a baby who's mother was an addict? Long story short, my co-worker fell in love with this baby, gave her life to this baby and a member of the family stepped in and had the court take the baby back after several months of my co-workers love and labor. That's the scary part for me. I'm not mentally ready for that.
We tried IVF (which again I will write about in another blog) and because of expense, we could not do it. I went through every test and procedure only to find out we couldn't afford it. It took me a whole year to even want to talk about having hope again. I went through a range of emotions: Sadness, frustration, anger, fear, hopelessness, at times even anger. I felt like I had given up, until now. I'm ready to try again!
I know this journey will not be an easy one, but I'm willing to take the steps to at least try. Most people can just lay down and get pregnant, while others of us who have infertility issues need to have blood drawn, rush around to doctor's appointments, keep charts and circle dates like we are scientists, have commanded sex at certain days and times and so much more. It's like being on a ride at the fair and you want to yell "Stop the ride, let me off" but you know you have to go through the whole cycle before anyone is even going to think about letting you out.
So with high hopes and alot of fear, I applied to this university study. I apparently met all the criteria so far (whack-o periods, overweight, insulin resistant, etc...) Lucky me! I made arrangements with my job and headed off to my first appointment.
I filled out tons of paperwork and got my blood tested. I was told to go on a Low Glycemic Diet to help the insulin resistance and to come back this coming Thursday for an overall physical. Can I just tell you how annoying it is to have PCOS with all the symptoms I described above and on top of be told I can't eat what I want anymore? I wanted to ask the lady, "Would you like a kidney too?" I mean I know they are only trying to help, but this syndrome just feels like one punishment after another sometimes. I will try and adhere to the diet though. It's five months of my life and for a good cause. But if I'm being (totally honest), I'm not happy about having to change my dieting habits. In plain and simple english, "It's gonna suck!"
I plan on documenting everything, if not for the reader, then for myself and maybe for even a baby that might want to read this one day. (Fingers crossed).
To anyone who cares to follow this journey, I wish you well! :)
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