Appointment #2-The Physical

When I got accepted for the PCOS study from the university, I felt enthusiastic.  Today however, I felt a range of emotions that mostly were not good.

I went into work early this morning because when you take time off to go to doctor's appointments, you usually need to take a PTO (Paid Time Off) day or make up your time. The problem with taking a PTO day is that you get so very few to begin with and once you exhaust them, you are pretty much out of luck should anything come up for the rest of the year (sickness, vacation, etc...)

Fasting since last night, I woke up grumpy as all get out.  I endured the taste of bad breath in my mouth that always accompanies fasting, sipped water with feelings of nausea and wrestled with dizziness.  At 10:15 I punched out and weaved my way in and out of traffic.

I had an odd sensation as I drove 12 Mile toward the doctor's office. I passed the place where I won tickets from a radio event, that led me to meeting my husband. I passed the place we went our first date and I passed the place where I use to work.  Never did I dream in my single days of working at that job, or in the new phases of love when I first met Jeff, that I would only a couple years later be traveling the same road, but with a new destination.  Everything has changed. I'm no longer at that job, I am now married and am committed to five months of intense physical, emotional and mental intensity to have a baby.

When I reached the doctor's office I had to pee like crazy! (They tell you to drink tons of water to hydrate the veins) before you go in. I thought that because I was part of the study I would go in right away, but the waiting room outside the doctor's office was filled with people.  I sat waiting, filled to the gills and antsy.  I kept a close eye on the clock, constantly calculating, "If they get me in by 'this time', then I can get back to the office by 'that time' and then I will have to make up, 'this amount of time'." The calculations started to make my b/p go up.

When my name was called, I went back and had about 8 tubes of blood taken.  I asked not to be bandaged, but I got bandaged anyway.  (Later that tape would leave a sticky welt like mark on my arm...lovely).

After the draining of the vein, I went back into a freezing cold room where I finally got to pee!  Next, they measured the oil in my face with a machine, measured my waist and hips, and weighed me.  From joy to joy they say. lol

The next part was the hardest for me.  I had to have a transvaginal ultra sound today.  I took off my clothes, neatly folded them, and took a deep breath as I stepped into a large examining room.  As I sat onto the table I looked up and saw huge lights, like the ones I had seen at IVF. I knew was was coming next, the "wand" as I call it. I'm not a fan of the wand. It's long and lets just say, it's designed to invade your "personal space."

As I talked with the researcher, who is absolutely one of the nicest people ever, the doctor came in. He shook my hand and then told me to lay back. As he did the breast exam all I could feel was...uncomfortable.  I know all women go through these, so I'm not saying it was a big deal, but you know the drill.

As he began to examine my ovaries, he said, "You are about to feel alot of pressure."  My only response was "YUP!" I felt like I was saying that to not only the physical pressure I was about to experience but how I felt on the inside, my emotions.  This whole experience is pressure.

I tried to close my eyes and get into a "happy place." I tried to think of a peaceful place that I've enjoyed for many years, but  no matter how hard I tried to visualize it, that wand kept creeping deeper and I felt cramping.  My eyes began to fill with tears but I refused to let them fall. It wasn't the cramping that was going to make me cry, it was emotional pain.  It was the questions and feelings of, "Why do I have to go through this? Why do I have to be poked, prodded and measured? Why can't I just lay down with my husband and in love conceive? I began feeling frustrated, sad and angry.

By the time the exam was over, the researcher gave me a bag of pills and told me that she would call me when it was ok to take them.  Unfortunately, I can't take them until Jeff gets tested and my IVF doctor releases my records.  That former doctor I had continues to be a thorn in my side.  I will definitely blog separately on how important it is for you to keep your own records. Always ask for copies! If I can't get these records in time, it is going to cause a landslide of problems. I'll have to get (another) HSG test.  Let me just say this in advance, I'm NOT going to have another one. I will camp out at the doctor's office before I subject my body to that again. HSG is where they inject dye through your tubes, for those who don't know.  They say it's mild to moderate pain. I say it's un-natural and NOT FUN.

Making my away out of the doctor's office I began to realize how hungry I was and raced back to grab lunch and get to work at a reasonable time. After staying late I made my way home.  My arm is sore, my ovaries are sore and my emotions are sore.  All I can think is, "Is this going to work?"  The snow is coming soon.  The diet is coming soon.  The pills and periods are coming soon.  Will this all be in vein or will my little baby be reading this one day saying, "Wow mom, you really loved me enough to want me to be here before you even knew me.